I’ve sat down to write this post a ton, but it’s hard to put these words into sentences because it’s all a very personal very real part of my life (and yes this post is very long). Yes, I’m sharing real numbers and real things that are personal. Most teenage girls don’t go around talking about the numbers on a scale and their health problems. It’s a hard post to write but it’s one that’s extremely necessary. I don’t want to be un-authentic with y’all, in fact I aim to be an authentic voice for girls who need someone on the internet who isn’t photoshopped.
Before having preconceived notions, I want everyone to know that this isn’t just a losing weight story and that losing weight doesn’t equal confidence. In fact losing weight doesn’t change your confidence. Being healthy does.
This past May I wrote a blog post talking about my body confidence. I talked about how although I was confident in every aspect of my life, I wasn’t comfortable with my body. That summer my weight sky rocketed.
It was up to the point where I weighed over 150 pounds (from the 135ish I was at that spring). My confidence had fallen to an all time low. I didn’t want to blog. I hated how I looked. I didn’t enjoy getting dressed up daily for school. I I didn’t want to do anything. I had terrible late night binge eating where I’d eat pans of brownies or even frozen waffles, but couldn’t control it. I was miserable. I hated most of my homecoming pictures because I looked puffy and large (looking back, I was the heaviest I’d ever been). I’m lucky I have a great family and friends who supported me when I was awful. I didn’t understand it. I was this confident girl who wasn’t afraid of what people thought of her and then what seemed to be overnight I fell into this “pit” (as I like to call it). But I myself couldn’t figure out what was going on. The one good light of this whole situation was homecoming, but still, I was so unconfident.
It got to the point where everything was slipping: grades, my blog, my health. Everything was at a low and I knew I needed to figure it out. So I turned to the gym after hearing about a barre ballet class and really fell into my faith (which one of these days I’ll share my full story on the blog). I’d wanted to try back at ballet as I’d grown up dancing but had to quit because of my knees. After attending the class and becoming hooked, endorphins really became a noticeable thing in my life and I started seeing who I really was back in my life. I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to get Maggie back.
I’d became devoted to my Fitbit, ate fruits, veggies did everything the normal doctor would suggest. I counted calories, was aware of everything I was doing.
I didn’t lose any weight.
That was the worst feeling out of all of this. And it was a vicious cycle, I would work out, workout, workout, drink water, drink water, drink water, “eat right”, “eat right”, “eat right” and nothing, nothing worked. I did everything the world said to do. They all said eat your veggies, exercise and your life would be better. But I didn’t even feel my body become lighter. In fact I felt heavier. I still felt that dark cloud hanging over my head from the previous months and although my mood was boosted a smidge, it wasn’t where I once was.
For about two or so months this went on to the point I was eating under 1,000 calories a day and exercising but still, no change. And I lost it. I remember losing it. It was a frustrating tear filled moment where I had absolutely no say in my body or even my mood at this point. My pants were supposed to fit, none of my clothes fit. I was doing everything “right”! This wasn’t supposed to happen! But it was.
My mom brought me to my doctor, who’s known me for a long time, to try to figure out what was all going on. After a week of blood work, very long story but my veins are hard to find and it means getting blood is hard for me. I met with an endocrinologist who told me I have PCOS and am insulin resistant.
Well what is PCOS? To put in simply PCOS is a life long – long-term condition in which hormones are imbalanced causing weight gain, trouble losing weight, heightened unexplainable cravings, cystic acne, depression, anxiety and a whole bunch of other stuff but it was obvious it is what I have. If you’d like more information check it out here.
I was put on a lifetime eating plan of low sugar and low carb & high protein, exercise 5-6 times a week, lots of sleep and lots of water. In addition to that, I’d been put on medicine which I am so, so, so thankful for. While it sounds terrible to say I’ll be on medicine for the rest of my life dependent on it, this medicine is a game changer. It levels my hormones so my cravings, mood, blood sugar, pretty much everything is easier to control.
Mid-November (pre-diagnosis) to December (2 weeks post diagnosis) (featuring C, you might recognize her from my homecoming post, in the corner …… also the first day I ran a mile hence the red face!!!) to January (one month post diagnosis, another hard workout and ran 5 miles, something I never would have imagined doing.)
It isn’t like it’s all over, now. This is something I have to live with for the rest of my life and it’s hard. It’s really, really, really hard. I didn’t eat any sweets or bread or starches around/on Christmas, that was hard. But I’m worth it. I’m back. Maggie’s back. And I’m so happy to say that. I’m happier, I’m healthier, I’m a lot more confident than I’d ever thought I’d be. My faith is stronger than ever (The song Oceans really has been my comfort) and I’m more grateful for everything going on in my life. I have an AMAZING team of family & friends who support me and that’s crazy.
Oh, and my weight from 150 is down to around 135ish. But now, my value isn’t put on a scale. My weight fluctuates and it’s sometimes easy to put my value on a scale & feel defeated. Before writing this post I tried on all of the dresses I could barely zip up at homecoming (including this one, the pictures make me shudder, you can see it not just in my face but in my waist) but now fit looser. I’ve lost most of my weight in my waist and face but also where those pants that were too tight the day I broke down, almost fell off of me today and I had to keep pulling them up. A skirt that was too tight is now falling off of me, to the point they almost fell down in front of my biology class two days ago. This blog post makes my heart so, so, happy. I took the pictures and actually loved not just how I looked but the girl in the picture.
My health is a key priority. Not my weight, but my health.
I’m not writing this post to show off: oh my gosh go me look at how much weight I’ve lost. No. That’s not it at all. It’s a post to raise awareness for every girl who is unconfident. Every girl who can’t seem to loose weight. Every girl who’s crying while eating a pan of brownies at 2 am. Every girl who dreads the gym because she doesn’t feel like she’s good enough or sporty enough to go. Every girl who thinks her weight is determined by how she looks in the mirror or steps on the scale because oh wow I relate to that girl, I was once that girl and at times still am.
I’m also raising awareness for PCOS. It affects 1 in 10 women, yet it isn’t talked about, ever. In school when they talk about BMI’s or healthy food pyramids they don’t talk about how that might not work for some girls. Or how common this is in girls. There are 1 in 10 women who struggle with this, yet we point at the “fat” people and assume they’re lazy. September is even devoted to PCOS awareness month because it really is that important.
If you think you may happen to have this, please, please, please reach out to a doctor you never know how your life could change for the better.
There aren’t any teenage girls on the internet at all who are open all about the struggles of PCOS/low sugar/low carb eating. Any at all.
So that’s where I’m coming in. No my blog isn’t going to turn into one of those “fit chick blogs”, come on I love binging Parks & Rec as much as the next girl and love, love, love fashion posts. but I’m going to be a real voice for girls with PCOS/Insulin Resistance. I hope y’all are ready for all of the new content, not replacing the old but just a new add on.
I’m back & better than ever.
Love to the moon & back,
“She’s got that whole purpose driven warrior princess save the world kind of vibe”