Almost a year ago I wrote a post outlining the lifechanging diagnosis that changed the way I looked at the world. My PCOS diagnosis was freeing. I had a final solution to a plaguing issue, I was free. It was a quick fix: Go on a low carb diet. Exercise. Lose the weight.
I didn’t want to write this post. In fact I’ve been putting this post off for so long that it makes my stomach hurt. I’ve avoided writing this because it’s embarassing but I’m at a place where I feel comfortable again. Fair enough. Being healthy works, when you stick with it. But living your life cheerio, cupcake, waffle, cookie, sugar, dairy, carb free is hard. Exercising almost every day becomes a challenge.
This summer I had the lifechanging opportunity to travel to my now favorite ever place, London England. A magical land full of beautiful museums, culture and wait for it: food. Before traveling I told myself I would be close to my goal and I achieved it, my lowest weight post-PCOS diagnosis. And I felt the most beautiful, confident, happy, I may have ever felt. I remember snapchatting my best friends, telling them there was something magical about being healthy and loving yourself. But one bite of sugar, of which I don’t regret, lead to my full blown addiction returning. The monster that once had overtaken me had returned. It lead another bite and I ended up gaining not just one pound, not two, not five, but all of it. And more.
My cravings were unexplainable and my mood, even worse. I am so thankful for the people in my life who love me even when I’m crying and a very PCOS filled monster of a mess, essentially July through August. It was frustrating, all of my progress that I had worked so hard for was gone and I felt out of control, yet again.
Today I write this with a lower weight, not a perfect one but one that is improving. I can tell you my eating is back. I’ve managed to slowly, oh so slowly get back into my strict habits and find my groove again. Homecoming, was the first time I felt truly confident again since London, not my tippy top best self, but I felt myself. I’m not fully back where I was weight wise back in May but my body, mind and heart feel good. I’ve gone to the gym every day this week (skipping today because taking the SAT was enough of a workout). I’ve fell back in love with fighting for myself.
When I published this post I was crying, not only was my body immeasurably uncomfortable but I was pushing away people in my life, miserable, now today I publish a post and feel stronger, inviting people in.
It was easy to write “My health is a key priority. Not my weight, but my health.” last December when I was loosing weight easily after my diagnosis. But the struggle of trying to get Maggie back, again, was a painful one. Because I knew what it was like to have that positive mindset, to be inviting people into your life instead of pushing them away, but I felt trapped. Again. Just because you are diagnosed doesn’t make PCOS go away. It doesn’t mean the world will be sunshine and rainbows. But it will give you a reason to fight for the girl you know is somewhere in you. Fighting for yourself is acknowledging that in June, I was the lowest weight on the scale.Fighting for yourself is admitting that you gained weight back. Fighting for yourself is knowing that this is your life, it may hurt and be hard and I’m going to have to fight every single day of my life. Fighting for yourself is knowing that some days I don’t love myself, I won’t always, but I can try. Fighting for yourself is knowing progress over perfection.
Every day is a learning opportunity: learning Grace over perfection. Learning that my goals are a step by step process. Learning that progress and loving myself are so much more important than being perfect.
I have excuses why I didn’t want to publish this, it’s embarassing, I don’t want to be vain, I don’t want people to know that I “fail”. But life is like a cha cha, two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward again. I post this content for other women who fight PCOS, any girl crying while bingeating ice cream out of the carton, for anyone to know, they are not alone in whatever is there pan of brownies.
“Give me your heart, give me your song. Sing it with all your might. Come to the fountain, you can be satisfied. There is a peace there is a love.” – Need To Breathe
Sometimes the things you really don’t want to say are the things that are needed to be said the most.